Captain John, Scottish Comedian Part I

I promised something entertaining for today, and I'm going to deliver after two aborted posts on Monday and Tuesday.

I've mentioned my love of Orkney on several occasions. Part of what made Orkney so wonderful was my truly outstanding hosts, Captain John and First Mate Annie. I met them in Florence, Italy, right around here, at a little ristorante. He gave me his card, I decided to go up and see Orkney while I was in the United Kingdom, and they played host and hostess (I didn't ask, they offered). It was amazing in and of itself, but their hospitality made it that much more wonderful.

So, more than four years later, Captain John and First Mate Annie have embarked on a trip across the United States. I've exchanged several E-mails with Captain John, and his are hysterical, so I've decided to post them as I get them. Here are the highlights so far, starting off with his response to my notice that I'd mailed him a Garmin eTrex H, although I hadn't told him what it was. I requested that he let me know when the package arrived...

I certainly will do. I'm intrigued. Anything you need from Blighty? Smoked haddock? "I Love Barak" sticker? We're banking on the dollar holding up against the pound. Please do what you can.

Yours, from the land of the horizontal rain ...

And my response:

I'd treasure an "I Love Barak" sticker, as Ehud Barak is doing a yeoman's job of smiting those Hamas bastards - a far better job than Barack Obama is doing as president! I wonder how difficult it might be to bring me some Scapa whisky? Aside from that, I can't think of anything I need from the UK, other than an attractive and submissive wife, but I hear they're in shortage over there as well.

Do you have any big goals of things you'd like to do once you get to my neck of the woods? Shoot an assault rifle or a handgun? Hear the sound of rednecks talking?

Never to be outdone, this was Captain John's response.

[Fly],

Thanks so much for the GPS ... a brave consignment to place into the hands of the Royal Mail (it could have arrived as a bag of bits) and a kind thought. We'll use it gratefully. We're travelling with a TomTom sat nav (I would prefer to navigate by the sun and the stars, the warmth of the horse dung and a snapped twig in the forest, but Annie will not hear of it) but the GPS will be invaluable whenever we step out of the vehicle in city or reserve. Thanks a lot - I look forward to returning it to you in March. If I can snag a wife for you along the way, I hand her over as well ... I'll enjoy the auditioning even if I don't find a match for you.

I'll do my best to bring some Scapa - I approve wholeheartedly of your choice. As for the offer of a redneck chorus, I fancy a trip to a battlefield, or civil war museum. Dull, I know, but I read a book about it once.

We are lending our house to friends while we're away which means that every day is cleaning, dusting, tidying cupboards we haven't been for years. The house looks immaculate, and we're looking wrecked. I reckon we'll sleep for the first week in the states, and vacuum in our sleep. One week until departure - hey ho.

Must go and polish something

[Captain] John

To which I replied:

[Captain] John,

Nonsense, the GPS is yours. What would I do with two of them? I don't suppose you'd be willing to walk outside for a couple of minutes and tell me the coordinates of the [house], would you? As exact as possible, please.

I'll check around and see what the nearest Civil War site to me is. I know that the first battle between two ironclad warships happened in my area, but I'm not sure if there are any museums about to look at. I'll continue working on the redneck chorus. Maybe if we pay them a few quid, we can get them to overlook the fact that it's February/March and sing their classic hit, "We wish you a dang'old merry Christmas, y'all". As I'm sure I've mentioned, keep me appraised of when you're likely to arrive in case I need to take a couple of days off from work.

I await the possibility of Scapa single malt and a coerced bride with bated breath. If you can't find a good Orkney girl, I'm willing to settle for a Pole, a Ukrainian, or a Dane.

The Yank

His reply, prior to boarding a plane for parts yet unseen?

You have been a naughty boy - this is a new GPS!!!! Why didn't you send me your old one, and keep the new one? Anyhow: it's great. And at last I have a decent speedo[meter] for the Land Rover - albeit it one that's difficult to read while wrestling with the steering at 50 mph, up a bumpy track.

Don't worry about finding any sites or attractions. We'll be quite content to see the area and enjoy the company.

No Danes or Poles yet, but I have had one application from a Bulgarian weight lifter who used to be a man.

Watch this space.

Two days and counting.

I have a few more of these at this point, but I'll save them for later. That's enough entertainment for you lot for one day. Check back in tomorrow.

P.S. - New Chad Vader. Yay!



Awesome.