AMF: Fly + Tirade = Flyrade
I'm not sure whether or not anyone's noticed, but I haven't put up anything more than a Fly Report all week. The truth is, I'm beat. There have been at least two, maybe three evenings this week in which I've been in bed at 20:00 - last night, it was 19:30. For those of you non-military types like Mighty Mo, that's eight o'clock and seven thirty, respectively. Eight o'clock at night, and yours truly is on his Cabela's Outfitter XL Cot, listening to his Grundig S350. That early in the evening, it's too early to even listen to the so-called "Voice of Justice" because that particular program doesn't start its pre-broadcast until around 20:27.
I get up in the morning between 04:00 and 05:00, I putter around and get ready for work, and I go to work. When I finish with work, I drive back to Van Diemen's Station, and I have so little motivation or energy left that I don't really accomplish a whole helluva lot. Do I cook? No. Do I clean up my flat? No. Do I work on the many projects that I've wanted to accomplish for days, weeks, or months now? Sure don't. Do I study Arabic, or go for a long walk? Just guess, I dare you. By the time I'm done with work, all I really do is sit in my LoveSac, on my laptop, and bring the day full circle: morning, work day, and evening, I spend nearly the entirety of my day staring at a rectangular light bulb of one sort or another.
Save for one article every two weeks, I haven't written anything substantial or accomplished a substantial project in longer than I can remember. My great hope when I moved here in July of 2007 was that I'd have time and facilities to do things like improving my physical condition, studying Arabic, reading, and accomplishing any number of other tasks. It just hasn't happened, and most of it's my fault, but it's a pretty tough habit to break out of.
With the economy, the job market, and the political climate, I feel stuck - really stuck. Marooned. I'm not necessarily looking to jump ship, but being three thousand miles from my real home on the West Coast, it's nice to have some options open. As most of you will have seen from the news, those options have dried up, and it appears that the Obama Administration has its sights set on screwing with my industry, too. I'm worried, and I feel trapped, and that is a terrifying place to be in.
Now, all of this would be one thing if I thought that I was getting anywhere at the moment with my career. I've certainly made some progress since I moved to Van Diemen's Station. Unfortunately, I'm becoming more and more worried that the position I now hold may have limited my ability to jump to the next job - I think I may have pigeon-holed myself.
And what have I given up for this? I've mentioned previously how I walked away from a great relationship with April. Since September of 2004, I have made the choice on three separate occasions, April being only one of them. Now, given, one of these walk-aways happened before I began pursuing my present course - and Mighty Mo and anyone else who reads this blog will agree with me when I say that if I had wound up married to Katherine (the English bird), I would have been miserable by now. But what about April? I think that she and I could have been very happy together. When I moved here, I was seeing a great girl whom I miss immensely, and who was really good for me (and vice versa). I moved here with the hope that she and I would somehow be able to make it work eventually, but the relationship fell apart almost immediately. Since I've arrived here in Virginia, I've dated two women, both of which relationships lasted for no more than about six or eight weeks apiece. I haven't been on a date since Labor Day, and I haven't been on a real date since last April - and even that scarcely counts, as Mighty Mo and I agreed in a conversation Wednesday night. Women are looking for men, losers though they may be, who are "stable" and not planning to leave an area within several years. Because I won't be staying at Van Diemen's Station indefinitely, I've gotten nowhere.
I can deal with being alone, and I can deal with being stagnant in the pursuit of my career goals. However, it's pretty tough to justify the one when you don't perceive any progress on the other.
So, to recap: I'm twenty-six. Since college, I've made no progress toward getting married and starting a family; and since arriving in Virginia, I've made no progress toward even enjoying the regular company of a young lady. Since arriving in Virginia, I have made little or no discernible progress toward attaining my ultimate career goal, and it's questionable as to whether or not I've made much progress toward taking the next step toward that eventual goal. I weigh two hundred thirty-five pounds, and I've been officially balding since right around the Summer of 2007. Between the weak economy, and President Obama proving every last conservative fear about him right with each passing day, the world has the appearance that it's falling apart around me. Oh, yeah, and I can't seem to stay awake past eight o'clock.
Is this really it? Is this really all that adulthood has in store for me? Don't get me wrong - I understand better than most seem to understand that I'm unequivocally privileged compared to the so many other people around the world, or in my own country... But I'd still like to think that there's something more than going to bed alone at 20:00, three thousand miles away from the people whom I care about the most.
If anyone's actually read this, I do appreciate it. Maybe this weekend will have greater things in store for me, and I'll be able to pick up with a renewed vigor next week. This was just something I had to get out of my system.
I get up in the morning between 04:00 and 05:00, I putter around and get ready for work, and I go to work. When I finish with work, I drive back to Van Diemen's Station, and I have so little motivation or energy left that I don't really accomplish a whole helluva lot. Do I cook? No. Do I clean up my flat? No. Do I work on the many projects that I've wanted to accomplish for days, weeks, or months now? Sure don't. Do I study Arabic, or go for a long walk? Just guess, I dare you. By the time I'm done with work, all I really do is sit in my LoveSac, on my laptop, and bring the day full circle: morning, work day, and evening, I spend nearly the entirety of my day staring at a rectangular light bulb of one sort or another.
Save for one article every two weeks, I haven't written anything substantial or accomplished a substantial project in longer than I can remember. My great hope when I moved here in July of 2007 was that I'd have time and facilities to do things like improving my physical condition, studying Arabic, reading, and accomplishing any number of other tasks. It just hasn't happened, and most of it's my fault, but it's a pretty tough habit to break out of.
With the economy, the job market, and the political climate, I feel stuck - really stuck. Marooned. I'm not necessarily looking to jump ship, but being three thousand miles from my real home on the West Coast, it's nice to have some options open. As most of you will have seen from the news, those options have dried up, and it appears that the Obama Administration has its sights set on screwing with my industry, too. I'm worried, and I feel trapped, and that is a terrifying place to be in.
Now, all of this would be one thing if I thought that I was getting anywhere at the moment with my career. I've certainly made some progress since I moved to Van Diemen's Station. Unfortunately, I'm becoming more and more worried that the position I now hold may have limited my ability to jump to the next job - I think I may have pigeon-holed myself.
And what have I given up for this? I've mentioned previously how I walked away from a great relationship with April. Since September of 2004, I have made the choice on three separate occasions, April being only one of them. Now, given, one of these walk-aways happened before I began pursuing my present course - and Mighty Mo and anyone else who reads this blog will agree with me when I say that if I had wound up married to Katherine (the English bird), I would have been miserable by now. But what about April? I think that she and I could have been very happy together. When I moved here, I was seeing a great girl whom I miss immensely, and who was really good for me (and vice versa). I moved here with the hope that she and I would somehow be able to make it work eventually, but the relationship fell apart almost immediately. Since I've arrived here in Virginia, I've dated two women, both of which relationships lasted for no more than about six or eight weeks apiece. I haven't been on a date since Labor Day, and I haven't been on a real date since last April - and even that scarcely counts, as Mighty Mo and I agreed in a conversation Wednesday night. Women are looking for men, losers though they may be, who are "stable" and not planning to leave an area within several years. Because I won't be staying at Van Diemen's Station indefinitely, I've gotten nowhere.
I can deal with being alone, and I can deal with being stagnant in the pursuit of my career goals. However, it's pretty tough to justify the one when you don't perceive any progress on the other.
So, to recap: I'm twenty-six. Since college, I've made no progress toward getting married and starting a family; and since arriving in Virginia, I've made no progress toward even enjoying the regular company of a young lady. Since arriving in Virginia, I have made little or no discernible progress toward attaining my ultimate career goal, and it's questionable as to whether or not I've made much progress toward taking the next step toward that eventual goal. I weigh two hundred thirty-five pounds, and I've been officially balding since right around the Summer of 2007. Between the weak economy, and President Obama proving every last conservative fear about him right with each passing day, the world has the appearance that it's falling apart around me. Oh, yeah, and I can't seem to stay awake past eight o'clock.
Is this really it? Is this really all that adulthood has in store for me? Don't get me wrong - I understand better than most seem to understand that I'm unequivocally privileged compared to the so many other people around the world, or in my own country... But I'd still like to think that there's something more than going to bed alone at 20:00, three thousand miles away from the people whom I care about the most.
If anyone's actually read this, I do appreciate it. Maybe this weekend will have greater things in store for me, and I'll be able to pick up with a renewed vigor next week. This was just something I had to get out of my system.
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