The Long Road Ahead
Yesterday I had several close friends tell me they were worried about me. Several of you have expressed a great deal of concern and sympathy in the comments to my last post. Your concern and support are greatly appreciated. They're also very much warranted.
I'm not going to sugar coat things, ladies and gentlemen. I'm pretty messed up right now. I'm not self-destructive, and there's no need to worry for my safety, but I don't remember being this bad, ever.
Three weeks ago, there were a lot of things in my life that were up in the air, and those things were stressing me out, but I wasn't exceptionally worried. The breakup with F3 was a completely unexpected loss, and I'm still at a loss to explain it. I'm completely powerless to do anything about it. It's especially brutal, given that I was prepared to give her everything she'd always wanted from me, after a long, tumultuous relationship. At the point when the entire situation was supposed to come together, everything fell apart, and I don't even know the real reasons why.
When coupled with the fact that I need another job, and I need it with extreme prejudice, the uncertainty of world markets and American politics, being deserted or abandoned by friends, desperately wanting to avoid getting perpetually stuck in a local rut, and the fact that my CV doesn't even impress me, it basically feels like the world is caving in on me, and there's basically nothing I can do to stop it.
It's all compounded by the fact that I've got too much integrity, too much tenacity, and too much self respect to resort to the usual crutches. I'm not humping fat broads (I got the phrase from Norm MacDonald, let it go), I'm not drinking myself into oblivion, and I'm not taking drugs. I'm also not eating much, and I haven't slept straight through a single night in the last seven days. I'm on call this week, so the earliest I can have evening social time with friends to keep my mind off of things will be Wednesday; then I'll work Thursday and Friday evenings, and be on call the entire weekend. This week has the makings of being even worse than this weekend.
I know that I'll get through this, I know that it'll get better, and I know that I'll move on. Right now, though, things are pretty dire, and I'm feeling pretty wretched.
God still has my attention. I'm still waiting for that miracle.
I'm not going to sugar coat things, ladies and gentlemen. I'm pretty messed up right now. I'm not self-destructive, and there's no need to worry for my safety, but I don't remember being this bad, ever.
Three weeks ago, there were a lot of things in my life that were up in the air, and those things were stressing me out, but I wasn't exceptionally worried. The breakup with F3 was a completely unexpected loss, and I'm still at a loss to explain it. I'm completely powerless to do anything about it. It's especially brutal, given that I was prepared to give her everything she'd always wanted from me, after a long, tumultuous relationship. At the point when the entire situation was supposed to come together, everything fell apart, and I don't even know the real reasons why.
When coupled with the fact that I need another job, and I need it with extreme prejudice, the uncertainty of world markets and American politics, being deserted or abandoned by friends, desperately wanting to avoid getting perpetually stuck in a local rut, and the fact that my CV doesn't even impress me, it basically feels like the world is caving in on me, and there's basically nothing I can do to stop it.
It's all compounded by the fact that I've got too much integrity, too much tenacity, and too much self respect to resort to the usual crutches. I'm not humping fat broads (I got the phrase from Norm MacDonald, let it go), I'm not drinking myself into oblivion, and I'm not taking drugs. I'm also not eating much, and I haven't slept straight through a single night in the last seven days. I'm on call this week, so the earliest I can have evening social time with friends to keep my mind off of things will be Wednesday; then I'll work Thursday and Friday evenings, and be on call the entire weekend. This week has the makings of being even worse than this weekend.
I know that I'll get through this, I know that it'll get better, and I know that I'll move on. Right now, though, things are pretty dire, and I'm feeling pretty wretched.
God still has my attention. I'm still waiting for that miracle.
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