Father Time, Spock, and Roman History
[Note: This post, a copy-and-paste ripoff of Patrick Stewart's 1993 monologue from SNL Transcripts, is inspired by Father Time's most recent post, Volcanology 101, and the ensuing comments. Enjoy!]
Patrick Stewart: I have no illusions why I'm here tonight. It's because of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Well, thank you very much, but I have a confession to make. When I was first given the role of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I pretended to take it all in my stride... I was so cool in interviews, I claimed never to have seen the original classic Trek. But it was all an act, because, inside, I was so ecstatic... I was delirious. You see, not only am I probably the biggest "Star Trek" fan of all time, but, well, as my friends can tell you, I am virtually an encyclopedia of "Star Trek" facts and trivia.
Well, now, for example, listen... Here's a fact I bet you don't know. On the original show, the name of the spaceship was not the "Star Trek"! No, no, it was, in fact, the "Enterprise". Now that's true. Now, all right, here's another one: Everyone knows that the part of Captain James M. Kirk was played by William Shiner. Then, of course, later he was to become very famous as the Six Million Dollar Man. But how many of you here know which actor played the chief medical officer, Dr. McCray, who was, of course, otherwise known as Boney? You give up, don't you? Well that was Forest D. Kelley. Well, perhaps you knew that one, but can you name to me the ship's other medical officer? You see, because, of course, there were two. You see, you're stumped. You are forgetting Dr. Spock. Now you remember, right? He was the pointy-eared creature, you know? Half-human, half-volcano, and he was forever tormenting old Boney with his cold volcano logic. Alright, here's another bit of trivia. Did you know that another "Star Trek" character, Captain Sulu, was the first black woman ever on television?
Anyway, being the "Star Trek" trivia maniac that I am, well you can imagine my feelings when I first learned that I won the role of Captain Picard. I felt a kinship, you know, with all those unforgettable legendary chartacters - Kirk, Boney, and especially Spock, and I even know... Well, I wrote a note to Leonard Portnoy, but I guess he never received it. Anyway, Leonard, if you're watching, this is for you:
"Outer Space: The Last Frontier. These are the trips of the Star Trek Enterprise. Its five year plan calls for us to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly fly where no man has gone in space. Live long, and be happy." [ makes a peace sign ]
Well, we've got a great show tonight! Salt N Pepa is here! Stick around, because we'll be back!
Patrick Stewart: I have no illusions why I'm here tonight. It's because of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Well, thank you very much, but I have a confession to make. When I was first given the role of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I pretended to take it all in my stride... I was so cool in interviews, I claimed never to have seen the original classic Trek. But it was all an act, because, inside, I was so ecstatic... I was delirious. You see, not only am I probably the biggest "Star Trek" fan of all time, but, well, as my friends can tell you, I am virtually an encyclopedia of "Star Trek" facts and trivia.
Well, now, for example, listen... Here's a fact I bet you don't know. On the original show, the name of the spaceship was not the "Star Trek"! No, no, it was, in fact, the "Enterprise". Now that's true. Now, all right, here's another one: Everyone knows that the part of Captain James M. Kirk was played by William Shiner. Then, of course, later he was to become very famous as the Six Million Dollar Man. But how many of you here know which actor played the chief medical officer, Dr. McCray, who was, of course, otherwise known as Boney? You give up, don't you? Well that was Forest D. Kelley. Well, perhaps you knew that one, but can you name to me the ship's other medical officer? You see, because, of course, there were two. You see, you're stumped. You are forgetting Dr. Spock. Now you remember, right? He was the pointy-eared creature, you know? Half-human, half-volcano, and he was forever tormenting old Boney with his cold volcano logic. Alright, here's another bit of trivia. Did you know that another "Star Trek" character, Captain Sulu, was the first black woman ever on television?
Anyway, being the "Star Trek" trivia maniac that I am, well you can imagine my feelings when I first learned that I won the role of Captain Picard. I felt a kinship, you know, with all those unforgettable legendary chartacters - Kirk, Boney, and especially Spock, and I even know... Well, I wrote a note to Leonard Portnoy, but I guess he never received it. Anyway, Leonard, if you're watching, this is for you:
"Outer Space: The Last Frontier. These are the trips of the Star Trek Enterprise. Its five year plan calls for us to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly fly where no man has gone in space. Live long, and be happy." [ makes a peace sign ]
Well, we've got a great show tonight! Salt N Pepa is here! Stick around, because we'll be back!
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