The Fly's Vacation: Day 5

Yesterday was excellent. Epic. Awesome. Here's what I did:

Genesis 4, and five (long) chapters of Confessions Book VIII.

shooting with Big Brother Caleb

swim and stretch PT

synchronized my clocks and watches

downloaded and then deleted (from the web) the contents of my original website

dinner, beer, and pipe/cigar smoking with Big Brother Caleb, Big Sister Vassi, and the Hybrid

Right, then. Off with the horns, and on with the show. So, a few months ago, during a particularly ill-fated episode with Match.com, I began to communicate with a young lady whose name was - and I'm not making this up - Britney Spear. Now, Britney Spear was pretty, but not that pretty, and she wasn't exactly... Huh. Well, let's put it this way, she was no Themis, Goddess of Justice - Themis has always been fairly thin, and has been on an Ahab-esque quest to slim down over the last year or two. Britney Spear couldn't make the same claim.

The thing about Britney Spear is that she was certifiably crazy. Like, couldn't hold down a conversation, crazy. With CCG, there was at least a coherent thread to our conversations, even if she was completely irrational. The big thing with Britney Spear was that she'd get really flirty, like, borderline dirty, and when I'd respond (and let's face it, I'm almost all talk, certainly early in a relationship), she'd get really obnoxiously outraged.

Where am I going with this? Well, the time frame for my first set of conversations with Britney Spear was February/March of this year. I decided that she was crazy, and we stopped chatting. Then, I saw her (but didn't approach her or interact with her) a few weeks later, and we started chatting again. This, too, was short-lived. I had a conversation with Chops/Crypto King about one of the conversations, and I've forgotten about it until yesterday. Today, I share it with you, because even though it's a bit crass, I thought that the exchange was hilarious, as are many of my exchanges with the Crypto King.

The Fly: So guess who decided to flirt-text with me last night as I was trying to go to bed.
Crypto King: fattie mcnutjob?
The Fly: Ding, ding, ding.
The Fly: Couple of texts back and forth, told her I was getting ready to go to bed.
The Fly: Convo from there went something like this.
The Fly: "Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help... When you're better :)"
The Fly: Me: "That sounds like a very dangerous offer."
The Fly: Her: "Maybe it's an offer I want you to take me up on."
The Fly: Me: "Don't talk your way into any corners that you're not prepared to act your way out of."
The Fly: Her: "No acting necessary."
Crypto King: well, either she's being a tease, or she wants the cock.
The Fly: Me: "Too bad, it was the acting (actions) that I was looking forward to."
The Fly: Her: "That's your fault for confusing acting with actions." ((WTF?))
The Fly: Me: "So, are you all talk, or are you prepared to do the actions?"
The Fly: Her: "I guess you'll just have to ask of* out to find out." ((Apparently she's not yet mastered predictive text, as a simple click of the * button would have changed "of" to "me" since they both use the 63 sequence on a phone keypad.))
The Fly: At that point she'd interrupted sleep several times, so I told her I was going to bed.
Crypto King: well, it sounds like you've got hot fattie ass just waiting for you, anytime you care to take her up on the offer.
The Fly: Hot as in easily aroused, or hot as in attractive?
The Fly: At any rate, I can't tell whether she wants my stuff, or if she thinks that this is her second chance to tease me into buying her food. That sure seemed to be her primary motivation a few weeks ago, and she wasn't that great at masking it.
Crypto King: do you really think she's changed her goals so much in a couple of weeks.
Crypto King: still, times are tough, maybe she's willing to put out in exchange for some food.
The Fly: If I did, I wouldn't have mentioned what I think her real goal is.
Crypto King: she's angling for the goods. and she probably knows she's not attractive enough to get them based on looks alone.
Crypto King: so she starts with the teasing.
Crypto King: I seriously doubt she puts out so easy, but it's entirely possible she does.
The Fly: Well, back to the theme of "Has she changed that much in a few weeks", her line about giving me a BJ was something along the lines of "It'll take a lot of free dinners before that happens." Not "We'll have to know each other pretty well," or "I'll have to be really comfortable with you," or "That will take some time." A lot of free dinners.
The Fly: Maybe I can just buy her a shit ton of TV dinners at Harris Teeter and then point at my junk.
Crypto King: in these economic conditions, that might work.
The Fly: Or I could go to a butcher and buy her a side of beef.
Crypto King: nothing gets them hotter than raw beef.
The Fly: And with that line, this conversation just got slated for blog posting.

"Nothing gets them hotter than raw beef." Classic. Have a great day, folks!