Jeremy Gets Hired

Maybe when I finally land a job, it'll be something like this scene from the pilot episode of Sports Night.

Dana: Let's meet with your guy.
Natalie: Jeremy, this is Dana Whitaker.
Dana: We've met.
Jeremy: Yes.
Dana: You have an impressive resume. Let me ask you some questions.
Natalie: You look nervous.
Jeremy: I'm okay.
Natalie: Would you like a glass of water?
Jeremy: Uh, no thanks.
Natalie: A soft drink? We have Fresca.
Dana: If you're taking orders, I'll have the angel-hair pasta and a nice Merlot...
Natalie: I'm just --
Dana: Can we interview the man?
Natalie: I'm just trying --
Dana: I know...
Natalie: I'm just trying to make him comfortable --
Dana: ... a little professionalism is all I'm saying.
Jeremy: You know, I can come back later --
Dana: What are your favorite sports?
Jeremy: Uh, I beg your pardon?
Dana: Where are you strongest?
Jeremy: Oh, football.
Dana: Great, let's talk about basketball.
Jeremy: I said football.
Dana: I heard you. Let's talk about basketball.
Jeremy: Uh, we could talk about baseball or hockey.
Dana: Ah, you're pretty strong in baseball and hockey, are ya?
Jeremy: Not as strong as football, but --
Dana: Great. Let's talk about the Knicks.
Jeremy: I walked right into that one, didn't I?
Dana: Well, I left the door wide open for ya.
Natalie: Shot of bourbon?
Jeremy: Please.
Dana: Sit! I'm sorry, that was harsh, I hurt your feelings. Name three things the Knicks need to do this season to make it to the finals.
Jeremy: Um, I couldn't get another question?
Dana: You will, but not until I hear an answer to the first one.
Jeremy: What do the Knicks... ?
Dana: Three things the Knicks need to do to contend.
Jeremy: Ms. Whitaker, I would be great at this job. You've got to believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and there wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I've read every box score in every newspaper that's printed in English and has a sports section, and I've seen Sports Night every night since your first broadcast two years, two months and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and that you're not going to stop John Starkes if he squares up to the basket, and put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward, he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analyses -- and I sense that you are -- then you've gotta give me some time. At least twenty minutes. Did that make any sense?
Dana: I wasn't really listening.
Jeremy: Oh, God!
Dana: Jeremy, Jeremy, this is television, things happen. If you want to work here, you've gonna have to not spontaneously wig out.
Natalie: Not until an hour before air time.
Jeremy: Right, right. The Knicks.
Dana: Name three things!
Jeremy: Improve their free throw percentage.
Natalie: Yes!
Jeremy: Run the floor.
Dana: Okay. One more.
Jeremy: Tell Spike Lee to sit down and shut up?
Natalie: Excellent!
Dana: Well, welcome to Sports Night.
Jeremy: Yes!

Yes, I can see it now...

Porter Goss: What are your regional specialties?
The Fly: Uh, I beg your pardon?
Porter Goss: Where are you strongest?
The Fly: Oh, South Asia.
Porter Goss: Great, let's talk about Israel.
The Fly: I said South Asia.
Porter Goss: I heard you. Let's talk about Israel.
The Fly: Uh, we could talk about Mauritania or Libya.
Porter Goss: Ah, you're pretty strong in North Africa, are ya?
The Fly: Not as strong as Pakistan, but --
Porter Goss: Great. Let's talk about the Mossad.
The Fly: I walked right into that one, didn't I?
Porter Goss: Well, I left the door wide open for ya.
Attractive Female Assistant: Pint of Guinness?
The Fly: Please.
Porter Goss: Sit! I'm sorry, that was harsh, I hurt your feelings. Name three things the Israelis need to do this season to reduce casualties caused by terrorist bombings.
The Fly: Um, I couldn't get another question?
Porter Goss: You will, but not until I hear an answer to the first one.
The Fly: What do the Israelis...?
Porter Goss: Three things the Israelis need to do to contend.
The Fly: Director Goss, I would be great at this job. You've got to believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've analyzed news articles, and there wasn't a Naval Science course at my college that I didn't set the curve for. I've read every hard news article about terrorism in every newspaper that's printed in English and has a military news section, and I've seen C-SPAN every night since nine-eleven, four years, three months and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you that bin Laden and al-Zwahiri are hiding in the field, and that you're not going to stop Zarqawi if he squares up to the Iraqi-Syrian border, and put any defensive pressure on Mahmoud Abbas, he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analyses -- and I sense that you are -- then you've gotta give me some time. At least twenty minutes. Did that make any sense?
Porter Goss: I wasn't really listening.
The Fly: Oh, God!
Porter Goss: Fly, Fly, this is Central Intelligence, things happen. If you want to work here, you've gonna have to not spontaneously wig out.
Attractive Female Assistant: Not until an hour after work.
The Fly: Right, right. The Israelis.
Porter Goss: Name three things!
The Fly: Improve their Hellfire missile percentage.
Attractive Female Assistant: Yes!
The Fly: Expand the anti-terrorist barriers.
Porter Goss: Okay. One more.
The Fly: Tell the Fatah goons to sit down and shut up?
Attractive Female Assistant: Excellent!
Porter Goss: Well, welcome to the CIA.
The Fly: Yes!

Well, maybe it won't go quite like that.