Hey Hey Hey, it's Faaaaaat Tuesday!

Couple of things.

First, I was accused yesterday of aiming a strategic line in the Fly Report at a regular reader of this blog. I was accused of "lyrical jabs". I want to make it abundantly clear: this blog is for me. It's mine. I don't have a team of bloggers, I don't have co-authors. I write and post what I feel and what's running through my head; sometimes it's coherent, sometimes it's not. If I'm going to use this blog as a tool of literary warfare, I'm going to make it abundantly clear; and if I'm going to use this blog for the benefit of others, I'm going to make that abundantly clear as well. From conversations with CCG to Sports Night blurbs to U2 lyrics, I post what I want, when I want, for my own benefit. If anyone takes anything I post as a jab against them, particularly when no context is offered to clarify it, that's paranoia, plain and simple. To the person who confronted me about this issue, I can offer only my regrets for that misinterpretation on their part; I have done nothing wrong, and can not apologize accordingly.

Last night I had dinner with Mormon Buddha and his lovely wife. She made chicken enchiladas that featured an ingredient I'd never had in an enchilada before: corn. It was outstanding. For my part, I brought two pies (peach and apple) purchased from the local supermarket, as well as a bottle of sparkling cider since Mormons don't drink Guinness. We talked a lot of philosophy, touched on some topics surrounding wealth, poverty, and race, and finished the night discussing the finer points of Biblical accuracy and translation. The yang dividend of the evening was that I didn't get home 'til 12:30, and woke up around 07:30 (my alarms were set for 08:15) and got out of bed at 07:50. I'm going to be very happy to enjoy a nice cup of tea this morning... And the leftover chicken enchiladas they sent home with me.

Today I'm headed to College City. I've got a 10:00 tea appointment with a prof, and a 12:30 lunch appointment with a friend. Luckily, today is Reader Question Day. Leave your questions for the Fly, on everything from Simpsons trivia ("Hey Marge, didn't we used to make out to this hymn?") to ancient history (Cato was not a philosopher; he was a Roman statesman, and it's more likely that he wore army sandals than combat boots, given the location of the campaigns he fought in.) to particle physics (An atom of anti-hydrogen contains a neutron, an anti-proton, and a positron). When I'm back around 14:00, I'll get around to answering them.

Thus saith the Fly.

Fly Report: 28th February 2006

Good morning. Take Michael Medved's advice, and tell yourself: "I am not a victim."

It's 36° Fahrenheit with a chance of showers in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 50° Fahrenheit with clouds.

The average price of oil is $60.44 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 12, because Fly has been slacking and/or travelling at the speed of Fly since Friday. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

If you just close your eyes, you can feel the enemy.

Fly: Original Lyrical Sailor Man

You know, one of the great things about Sports Night was the musical selections they used. For example, during two different episodes I was introduced to Neil Finn, former lead singer of Crowded House, who had at that point struck out as a solo artist. Casey and Dana's theme song in the second season was "She Will Have Her Way" by Neil Finn. It's a great song, probably the best on his album "Try Whistling This".

At the end of the first season episode, The Sword of Orion, they played "Sloop John B" by the Beach Boys, the lyrics of which I reproduce here.

We come on the Sloop John B
My grandfather and me
Around Nassau town we do roam
Drinking all night
Got into a fight
Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the main sail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up
I wanna go home

The first mate he got drunk
And broke in the captain's trunk
The constable had to come and take him away
Sheriff John Stone
Why don’t you leave me alone, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the main sail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why don’t you let me go home
(hoist up the John B's sail)
Hoist up the John B
I feel so broke up I wanna go home
Let me go home

The poor cook he caught the fits
And threw away all my grits
And then he took and he ate up all of my corn
Let me go home
Why don’t they let me go home
This is the worst trip I’ve ever been on

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why don’t you let me go home

Interestingly enough, I had never had grits until a little more than a month ago, when Shiitake and I dined at a little cafe on a bright Monday morning. For those of you who have never had them, they've got an odd consistency to them, but they're not half bad.

Archaeology Watch: Egyptian Sun Temple

Hey, sweet! They found a sun temple under a flea market in Cairo. Friggin' sweet!

The Fly: Super Nerd

Are you folks ready to be shocked and amazed at just how cool I am? I contend that I am the king of nerds. The king, I say! I make Sipidation look like a no-talent hack at kinging. I make him look like two checkers stacked on top of each other as far as nerd royalty goes.

Ready for the story?

The year was 2002, and the month was March. I was taking History 320, Ancient Near East. We had nearly reached the conclusion of our study of Egypt, Babylon, Assyria, Israel, Persia, the Hittite Kingdom, and various other ancient nations. Ur, Sumer, Akkad, these words meant something to me during this period of time. This was the second course I had taken under the distinguished Professor Augustus. This is what I'd become a history major for.

At any rate, when I have an idea, I have it big. Some of you will remember the story of my senior prom; that's a story for another time, but the point is that I do things big when they happen. Anyway, I had an idea: shirts. We could have shirts made for everyone in the class who was interested, and wear them to the final exam. Perfect, right? Of course it was perfect, it was my plan. So I came up with a design, made some flyers, and covertly passed them out to the people in the class. In the end I had about twelve initial takers (the program continued into later terms), and I set to work. I did printing for the shirts on my computer at home, took them to a copy place in town to get them reversed and put on screen transfers, and then took them to a T-Shirt shop to have them put on shirts.

The design? On the front, it had a picture of Professor Augustus and the words "AVE CAESAR MORITVRI TE SALVTAMVS", which means "Hail Caesar, We Who Are About to Die Salute You". On the back, the shirts had chosen names from ancient history (mine was Maximinus, after a massive third century Roman emperor who was reputed to have consumed forty pounds of meat and several gallons of wine per day, and wore his wife's bracelet as a thumb ring) and a list of the courses (and academic terms in which they were taken) that each individual had taken from Professor Augustus.

When he showed up for the final, he was shocked and flattered. He posed with us for a picture, which he has framed in his office at home. I have been nerd royalty ever since.

I can't believe how much I rule.

Fly Report: 27th February 2006

Good morning. You don't really love that guy you make it with now, do you? I know you don't love that guy 'cause I can see right through you.

It's 37° Fahrenheit with a chance of showers in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 51° Fahrenheit with partial clouds.

The average price of oil is $60.87 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 11, because Fly has been slacking and/or travelling at the speed of Fly since Friday. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

Thank you... Jesus, this is Judas...

All Covered With Cheese

Another great Sports Night moment:

"Let me tell you something. First of all, I'm a sports anchor, not a sportscaster. Second of all, you married a jerk. I know about Steve Cisco, everybody knows about Steve Cisco. Sister, you married a loser, and the fact that you think that that man's low-grade brand of manhood is any way indicative of my profession is beneath your obvious intelligence and class. What guys like that do to women like you makes me absolutely crazy. I knew I recognized you. Will you look at this? You're working late, I have a show to do in ten minutes just twelve stories up. There's no earthly reason why you shouldn't be having dinner with me after the show. It'd be midnight, and we'd go to a great place, and I'd ask you about your day because I genuinely do care about your day, and I'd be funny and you'd have a good time. And when I took you home at like 3am, I'd try to kiss you goodnight, and I think I'd be successful. In fact, I know it. And I can't believe none of that's ever gonna happen 'cause once there was a time you married an idiot. I gotta get back to my job, which, rest assured, I do considerably better than Steve Cisco."
- Dan Rydell

Pretty much, yeah. And later, in episode twenty...

Rebecca: "So your strategy for this is to be wonderful?"
Dan: "Yes."
Rebecca: "Listen... "
Dan: "You know why?"
Rebecca: "Why?"
Dan: "It works every time."

You know, I should really adapt more Sports Night quotes to suit situations that I'm in, and to piss off Mo-Licious and entertain April at the same time. For example...

The Fly: Hey, you know what? I think someone was flirting with me today.
[Generic Female Woman]: I'm sorry?
The Fly: Someone might've been flirting with me today.
[Generic Female Woman]: CCG?
The Fly: How did you know?
[Generic Female Woman]: CCG's always flirting with you.
The Fly: No she's not.
[Generic Female Woman]: Yes she is. [Fly looks distraught] It's okay.
The Fly: Have I been flirting back?
[Generic Female Woman]: You're kinda feeble, aren't you?
The Fly: Have I?
[Generic Female Woman]: I really don't know.
The Fly: I don't want to look foolish.
[Generic Female Woman]: Not much chance of that.
The Fly: Do I flirt badly?
[Generic Female Woman]: You flirt fine.
The Fly: Seriously.
[Generic Female Woman]: You flirt fine.
The Fly: [Generic Female Woman]...
[Generic Female Woman]: Flirt with me now.
The Fly: Flirt with you now?
[Generic Female Woman]: Yes.
The Fly: I will.
[Generic Female Woman]: Start.
The Fly: How 'ya doin'?
[Generic Female Woman]: That's good, Fly, how many years of college?
The Fly: I'm just saying "Hi". I've got more.
[Generic Female Woman]: Lay it on me.
The Fly: What's your name?
[Generic Female Woman]: Fly, I'm saying flirt with me. I'm not playing somebody else.
The Fly: You're not helping.
[Generic Female Woman]: Start again. Flirt with me.
The Fly: I'm starting... Now. What's your name?
[Generic Female Woman]: My name's [Generic Female Woman] you unbelievable moron, you've known me for years. Flirt with me. Tell me why you like me better than CCG.
The Fly: I do like you better than CCG.
[Generic Female Woman]: Tell me why.
The Fly: I don't understand.
[Generic Female Woman]: I don't think you're ever going to have sex. I gotta go.
The Fly: You're smoky.
[Generic Female Woman]: I'm sorry?
The Fly: The difference between you and CCG, you're smoky.
[Generic Female Woman]: I'm smoky?
The Fly: You're smoky. You're a lot of other things too, but you're smoky.
[Generic Female Woman]: I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it. Tell me what it means.
The Fly: It's hard to translate.
[Generic Female Woman]: Try.
The Fly: You'll make a joke.
[Generic Female Woman]: We're flirting. That's okay.
The Fly: Are we really flirting, or ar you just pretending to be you flirting with me actually being me?
[Generic Female Woman]: You think I'm smoky?
The Fly: Classy. Impressive. Sexy. Was sexy going too far?
[Generic Female Woman]: It was fine.
The Fly: You're smoky.
[Generic Female Woman]: Thank you.

It's like running through a neighborhood park all covered with cheese.

Winding Down

It's been a very, very long, lucrative, tiring day. I'm off call at midnight, and when that clock hits 00:00, you'd better believe I'm cracking open my last bottle of Guinness and drinking to a week of relative freedom. I get a friendly paycheck in a couple of days, and I already have an excellent start to an excellent paycheck on 31st March. I've earned both.

Wow. Seriously. Wow.

Career Opportunities

Sweet merciful glaven on a stick, check this job prospect for Raytheon out. Would I not be perfect for this?

Training and Development Specialist I

(Civilian on the Battlefield/Role Player)

Training Analysis Division

Position is full-time salaried (exempt) working with the Life Cycle Contractor Support for the Live Training (LT) Program, National Training Center Instrumentation System (NTC-IS). The NTC-IS is located at Fort Irwin, CA, in the Mojave Desert, approximately forty miles northeast of Barstow, CA. NTC-IS operations support the NTC mission: to provide realistic joint and combined arms training focused on developing soldiers, leaders, and units of the United States military for success on the 21st Century Battle Field.

RESPONSIBILITIES

Responsible for role-playing under simulated battlefield conditions. Work under the direction of COB Supervisor. Participate in work activities of contractor personnel in support of instructional and scenario training. Participates in training activities, scenarios, missions, and instructional classes. Assist in the planning, coordination, support, preparation, and performance of scheduled and short-notice events or missions. Support AARs and the process. Participate in military style training events to include: raids or attacks, intelligence gathering, handling of pyrotechnics and other duties as required. Role-play as required. Gather mission data for submission to OCs for AARs and products. Follow instructions and train employees. Will adhere to Company, Site Manager, Division Manager and Team leader directives, memoranda, policies and procedures. Support quality/ISO, security and training programs.

REQUIREMENTS

Desired Education: Associates Degree in training or related field

Experience: Four (4) years experience with an understanding of Army tactical doctrine as defined by FM 100-5 and FM 71-3. Should also be familiar with Civil Affairs doctrine. Military experience in planning and conducting training activities. Acting or role-playing experience.

Desired Physical Abilities: Must be able to perform duties and travel in extreme weather conditions (heat, cold, and wind) and at height (helicopter travel, mountain tops, elevated walk areas and towers). Must be able to work in isolated conditions and field environment and be able to travel in tactical vehicles. Must endure the rigors of the Mojave Desert climate. Will be expected to live and work in the NTC maneuver area during rotational training exercises.

Special Requirements: Must have valid drivers license and maintain Post driving privileges. Obtain Military licenses & Night Vision certification if required. Travel off road in company 4x4 vehicles and military tactical vehicles if required. Must be able to lift a maximum of 50lbs and wear appropriate personal protective equipment. Willing to work any shift to include weekends and Holidays. Must be able to obtain a U.S. Government Security Clearance.

I am so applying for this job.

UAE Ports Deal: The Fly Reacts

Several times in the last few days, the story about the deal between the feds and the United Arab Emirates with regard to management of several U.S. ports has come into conversation. People have asked me what my take is. As I'm so fond of doing, I'm going to knock it out with bullet points.

I don't think the deal is a good idea. This isn't a bunch of migrant workers from Mexico picking fruits and vegetables in a field; this is management of ports. It's high tech, high stakes work, particularly given the overwhelming degree of vulnerability that has been identified in U.S. ports for several years now following 9/11. It doesn't matter to me that the company chosen was a state-owned company from the United Arab Emirates (who happen to be our allies; we have bases there, after all): I would disapprove just as much if the management of U.S. ports was being out-sourced to a Canadian firm, a British firm, or a Japanese firm. There are plenty of American companies that are every bit as qualified to do the job, and that kind of government contract is competitive enough that they'll have bidders. As far as I'm concerned, out-sourcing this sort of work is not only a compromise of our national security, it's also completely unnecessary.

I don't blame President Bush for this decision. As some of you may have read, he found out about it from the press, not from his advisors. This is precisely the kind of thing that a president is supposed to delegate; it's not President Bush's job to know each and every miniscule detail of the operation of the federal government. He's not a supervisor, he's not an overseer, he's not a micro manager: he's the President of the United States. If it were his job to do everything, you'd have no Secretary of Defenes, no Secretary of the Treasury, and no president would ever have time to sleep or eat.

That having been said, President Bush and his advisors totally botched the public relations aspect of the issue. When asked, President Bush should not have let on that he wasn't fully informed about the issue; he should have declined to comment, or made a statement saying that the deal was still under review, and then he should have gotten Vice President Cheney to shoot the public relations advisors in the face with a shotgun behind closed doors. Not only should some of President Bush's subordinates have looked for a better solution than to turn over port management to a foreign company, the public relations advisors should have handled the issue with more nuance and skill. This incident has made President Bush look foolish and uninformed, when the truth is that it's not his job to be intimately acquainted with details like this. President Bush dropped the ball in his own comments (particularly when he said that he'd veto any contrary bills in Congress), but the real failure is with his staff of advisors, who dropped the ball so completely on this issue as to warrant... Well, to warrant being shot in the face with a shotgun by the Vice President. Not point blank or anything, from a good distance, and with something small, like a 20 gauge, a la Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck in Armageddon.

Ya dig?

South Dakota Abortion Ban

Some of you will probably have seen this story. South Dakota is attempting to ban all abortion, save for that which is necessary to save the mother's life (ectopic pregnancies, for example). What's Fly's take? Well, I have several thoughts.

First, I'll go out on a limb and say that I'd take it a little more seriously if the bill allowed abortion in cases of incest and rape; I about wrote "mutiny" instead of rape, and I don't know why. At any rate, while I believe in theory that abortion should only be performed in cases in which the mother's life can be incontrovertibly proven to be in danger, I'm personally willing to make a couple of exceptions in what I consider to be extreme circumstances. So, basically, if I were writing the bill, I'd write it just a smidge differently.

Second, I think the whole thing is outstanding. No matter what you think of abortion, support it, condemn it, we should all be able to acknowledge that it should be a federalist issue, just like most other laws. Liberals and Conservatives alike should be able to acknowledge that Roe v. Wade is a legal travesty, just like the stupid unconstitutonal federal legal action surrounding the Teri Schiavo fiasco. Basing a "woman's right to choose" on a judicial decision revolving around the already tenuous "right to privacy" (which basically exists nowhere in the Constitution) was bad law to begin with; doing it as a judicial decision instead of a legislative one was even worse. If abortion is going to be legal, it should be legal on a state by state basis, just like gay "marriage" or euthenasia. Massachusetts has gay "marriage", a couple of other states have civil unions, Oregon has euthenasia laws; was that so hard? If the American public support abortion, then abortion advocates should have no fear of getting the majority of votes they need in order to pass laws making abortion legal. Our system of government is supposed to represent the will of the people, not the view of unelected judges with no accountability or oversight based on open-ended interpretations of the Constitution.

No matter what folks think of abortion, any educated person should recognize that Roe v. Wade is a bad way to accomplish a goal. The way that South Dakota is going about banning abortion, whether I agree with the overall scope of the law or not, should serve as an example of how both pro- and anti-abortion groups should go about trying to get their policy of choice established. And, for the record, I would say the same thing about laws about conservative causes (for example, the aforementioned Teri Schiavo work in Congress which I also opposed); American law should be based on the will of the people, not cagey legal wrangling and tricks.

I will never support the murder of innocent babies, but if it's going to happen, I think we should at least agree to use the preestablished framework of Constitutional law in order to determine its legality on the federalist principles this nation was built around.

Sleep-Deprived Philosophy

There are three concepts that a person has to understand in order to understand just how powerful Christianity is. Those three concepts are justice, mercy, and grace.

Justice is getting what we deserve. Justice is an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life. Justice is reason free from passion. All people are sinners; all people are, at their core, selfish, deceitful, prideful, wrathful, et cetera. All humans deserve to be repaid in kind for their treachery to God and to each other. All humans deserve suffering; that would be justice.

"[F]or all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
- The Letter of St. Paul to the Romans

Mercy is not getting what we deserve. When we are spared the suffering we deserve, when we are spared the punishment that we have earned through our trangressions, through our sins against God and each other, we are granted mercy. Mercy is bypassing that suffering that is just, through no merit of our own.

Grace is getting what we do not deserve. Grace is receiving a gift, in this case eternal life and spiritual redemption, through no merit of our own. Grace is forgiveness after nothing more than a request. Grace is continuing to screw up, but not being punished for it in the end due to unconditional love. Grace is what separates the Christian faith from all others: in all others, the best a man can hope for is mercy or justice, while Christianity offers the option of redemption through the work of Another.

By our nature, humans seek justice. Civilized humans seek to overcome the urge to seek justice, and implement mercy. Redeemed humans seek to exceed mercy, and implement grace. We are called to choose grace.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her[.]"
- The Letter of St. Paul to Ephesus

Christ is meant to be our example in all things. Christ sacrificed himself for those who misunderstood him; He died for those who were wilfully ignorant, and turned their backs on him. Christ ministered to those who deserved His love the least. We are never told that Christ's mission was an easy one; in fact, we know for a fact that at the climax of His mission, He begged for release and extraction if it was at all possible. Even so, He knew His mission, He knew the stakes, and He knew the right path: to offer grace to those who deserved it the least, to those who were wilfully ignorant, for those who turned their backs on Him. As painful as that may have been, this is our call.

---

"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
- The Gospel according to St. Luke

---

You can't drink a gin and tonic out of a pastic cup; to do so would represent a pollution of the Mojo, a deliberate disturbance. A GnT must be consumed from the glass, just like consuming Guinness from a plastic cup would be an affront to Allah. (We're going to get some letters on that one!) Right now I'm drinking a GnT, and I'm drinking it out of a glass, because that is the only correct way to do it.

Strangely enough, tea can be consumed from many different receptacles. It can be an insulated plastic mug, a ceramic mug, a stainless steel mug, or even a paper cup, provided the paper cup has a jacket around it; good tea comes hot, and it can make your hand very uncomfortable through just the paper cup without any additional insulation.

I don't know much about a good gin and tonic. A good Guinness is either consumed from the bottle, or from a pint glass; the stout is better than the draught. A good cup of tea has a generous amount of sugar, as well as milk or cream, added to it.

---

Night falls, I'm cast beneath her spell
Daylight comes, our heaven turns to hell
Am I left to burn, and burn eternally?
She's a mystery to me
- "Mystery Girl" by Bono & The Edge, performed by Roy Orbison

One of my goals for this year was going to be to understand women better. It's not going so well. I'm learning more about women, but what I'm learning seems to make absolutely no sense. I'm basically at the point where I can only really understand about three women: Mo-Licious, Sarah Canuck, and April; and the current Matriarch, I suppose. It's like a classic moment from one of my favorite episodes of Sports Night:

Jeremy: Yeah, I have to stand firm. Not to establish an upper hand, but to establish equality.
Dan: Exactly.
Jeremy: We'll have an argument and she will take a position that absolutely defies logic. Now, I have a pretty healthy respect for logic, but then all she has to do is put on one of my shirts.
Dan: The shirt.
Jeremy: She'll grab a white dress shirt from my closet.
Dan: You're cooked.
Jeremy: It's over.
Dan: That's it.
Jeremy: Like bishop to queen's-rook-7.
Dan: Keep going.
Jeremy: My chess team is playing Lakeland. I start my match king's-pawn-3, king's-pawn-3. Bam, bam, bam, all of a sudden the guy moves bishop to queen's-rook-7. I lost 32 moves later, but I was never even in it.
Dan: Right. And that relates to Natalie wearing your shirt how?
Jeremy: I have to stand firm. Thank you.

Defiance of logic is an interesting trait; perhaps we should have more women as military strategists. If I were to guess, I could probably team up with a number of women that I know: between their ability to think outside the box, and my knowledge of tactics and strategy, we could probably be an unstoppable force in the development of new operational procedures. Then again, we'd probably kill each other in the process, or something.

C'est la vie.

---

"If the enemy be rich, they are rapacious; if he be poor, they lust for dominion; neither the east nor the west has been able to satisfy them. Alone among men they covet with equal eagerness poverty and riches. To robbery, slaughter, plunder, they give the lying name of empire; they make a solitude and call it peace."
- Calgacus, 84 AD

Other translations render "solitude" variously as "desolation" and "desert". In this, Calgacus, a first century chieftain of the Caledonii, is referring to the Roman Empire in a dramatic speech to the confederacy of Caledonian tribes, preparing to defend Mons Graupius against the assault of Gnaeus Julius Agricola and his legions. The Romans faced a strong enemy in foreign territory; the Caledonians were dug in, and had elevation on their side.

It was one of the finest Roman victories in history, and if Domitian had allowed Agricola to consolidate the victory, it would have meant a consolidated Roman presence in two thirds of what is now Scotland. Unfortunately, revolts and civil wars in Germania required that the ambitious agenda of Agricola had to be discontinued; Agricola was recalled, and some of the forces he'd used to smite the Caledonii were sent to Germania.

I've seen the terrain Agricola and his legions were up against; if he didn't have the entirety of my respect before that, he had it immediately after.

---

Thus Saith the Fly.

Cleaning Out My Life

I'm going to be moving at some point soon, God willing. Part of the process is going through my room and trashing the stuff that doesn't need to be held onto. I've been finding some interesting things in the process.

There was a $200 credit on Delta Airlines that I would have liked to have used to go to visit F3 last Autumn. It expired at the end of October, so now it's torn up and in the big garbage bag that has become the receptacle for things that don't need to be retained.

I found a $75 savings bond that was issued in 1999 for a speech competition that I entered for the Veterans of Foreign Wars. I'm glad to at least have confirmation that it wasn't lost in a black hole; I'm not sure how to get it appraised, but I suppose it doesn't matter because I'm just glad to have it again.

I've probably found every piece of mail that Mudflap ever sent me, and there's been quite a bit of it over the years. For a girl who claimed not to have any interest in me, she sure wouldn't leave me alone. I also found a picture of the two of us from our second date back in December of 1999; we went to my school's Christmas formal dance. It was my senior year, her sophomore year. I was on my lesser-used AIM screen name a month or two ago, and she saw me and told me about her father, who's apparently been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy; I frequently note that one of the greatest gifts I ever got was a book that he bought for me for that Christmas, even though he barely knew me at the time.

I found all of my receipts and brochures and such from my two trips to Europe, and filed them accordingly; I also finally threw out a bunch of mail that I'd received over the years, nowhere near all of it, but the really unimportant bits and pieces. For example, Friar Dave and I knew this girl named Christy (a few of the Vagrants or former Vagrants who read this blog will know who I'm talking about), and for a time her cousin and I were somewhat interested in each other, back around 1998 or so. I found an old letter and some pictures in an envelope, and threw them out.

Recruiting literature from the Navy and Marine Corps. Canned.

I found a card from Valentine's Day 2002, from my friend Brittany. She was dating a guy I was in the military with, but I think Brittany and I had more in common; Wild Bill was kind of a dweeb. Well, actually, he was a total dweeb. Anyway, she was doing a project a week or two earlier about botched cosmetic surgery, and I helped her out with it on my computer since she didn't have the faintest idea what the hell she was doing. If I ever see another computer screen with ugly, deformed, botched breast jobs on it, I will run screaming the other way.

Pictures. Old newspapers. Spiral notebooks. A lot of it's getting tossed, because as much of an archivist and historian as I've become, most of ths is trivial crap that will never have any degree of relevance in my life again. In some ways, it's therapeutic. In other ways, it's a reminder of things lost that can't be regained; you'd think that as a historian I'd be used to it, but it's not that easy. If it were April writing this post, she'd focus on the "therapeutic" part, as she's the eternal optimist.

That's not my style, though. For what it's worth, I've had a couple of decent days lately. I hung out with both Super Dave and Mormon Buddha yesterday, and I'm looking forward to having dinner with Mormon Buddha and his wife and kids on Monday night. Until then, it's a running Sports Night marathon while I reread the note that Mudflap and her heinous friend left on my windshield during Autumn of 2000, when I'd just started college, and throwing away recruiting posters featuring the Navy SEALs.

It is what it is.

UPDATE: Six air sickness bags.

UPDATE: Dodging assassins two by two, they want your ruby slippers and your little dog too.

Reader Quiz Friday: Lent

Lent starts on Wednesday. For those of you who are behind the curve, Lent is the season in the church calendar preceding the observance of the crucifixion and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to church tradition, Lent is a time to give up something important to you, and to use the time thinking about that particular thing to focus and reflect on your relationship with Christ.

From time to time, I try to give something up for Lent. Last year it was between-meal snacks. I'm trying to figure out what it ought to be this year. I have some ideas, but I'm curious what you folks would suggest, given your intimate knowledge of me from months of reading my blog. Here's what I want:

Are you giving anything up for Lent, and if so, what are you giving up?

Knowing me, what are some things you think I should consider giving up for Lent?

Please, no references to Josh Hartnett movies.

Fly Report: 24th February 2006

Good morning. It was Mudflap all over again.

It's 43° Fahrenheit with clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 31° Fahrenheit with snow showers.

The average price of oil is $61.70 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.75 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 11. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

You can sew it up, but you still see the tear.

A Supplemental Thought

So, I was thinking... Do you folks think that the mold-eating Frenchman said to himself, something like "Mon Dieu est mon témoin, ziss mold is delicieux! Soon, ze 'ole world will be eating mold!"

Do you think he followed it with a sort of zany laugh, permeated by frequent snorts?

Late Night Reflections

I've had two things strike me as odd lately. Allow me to expand on them, for your reading pleasure.

First, as I was laying in bed last night, I had a thought. You know how the French have a reputation for being... Well, a bunch of filthy savages? Well, I was thinking about cheese, and thinking about how it's basically milk mold or something. Yeah, so I don't know that much about cheese, but stick with me for a minute. Anyway, I was thinking: the French are famous for their cheese, right? And cheese is milk mold, right? That means that, for all of the famous varieties of French cheese, some Frenchman had to have actually eaten mold in order to discover it.

Now, we can say the same things about fermented honey in the case of the Egyptians (who, for all the hype, weren't really such an advanced civilization as everyone likes to claim), or about fermented grain water in the case of the Germans, but mold is mold. Some Frenchman ate mold and discovered that it tasted good. Is it just me, or is that not nasty!?

Second, I've been thinking about this new show on FX, Black.White. For those of you who haven't seen the adverts for it, it's about two families, a black family and a white family, who "trade races": using cosmetics and hair pieces, a white family becomes "black", and a black family becomes "white". It's being co-produced by Ice Cube, and during some of the promos they've had snippets of him talking. One of the things that he said was that part of the purpose of doing the show is to make race a conversation piece, so that you could be standing around the water cooler at work talking about it.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the exact opposite of what we're supposed to do? I've been taught my whole life that race isn't supposed to matter. I've been under the impression since I was a small child that I'm supposed to make a point of not noticing race. It's not supposed to be an issue, it's not supposed to be some topic around the water cooler. Now, I should mention that I tend to respect Ice Cube more than the rest of the rap community; he's actually pretty respectable, unlike Snoop Diddy, or Master Puffy, or whoever else they're throwing at us these days. However, this show just reiterates to me that white people are not solely responsible for perpetuating a racial divide in American society.

I'm sure I'll come up with something more profound than this crap. But seriously! A Frenchman ate mold and discovered cheese! That's not Thomas Edison and the light bulb, or Alexander Graham Bell and the telephone. That's just disgusting.

UPDATE: Law School Goddess brought to my attention that the previous post suggested that I don't feel that race should be discussed, at all. I can understand how this could be the way my statements were interpreted, since that's pretty much what I said. So, here's a clarification:

[It would] be helpful to clarify by saying that I don't want to necessarily eliminate it as a topic altogether, but that I think that excessive discussion of the issue is counter-productive since it's unlikely to produce appreciable action to counter the problem[.]

Thank you for your consideration and patience in this matter. Also, thanks to LSG for keeping me honest and diplomatic.

Fly Report: 23rd February 2006

Good morning. Or is it?!

It's 45° Fahrenheit with clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 35° Fahrenheit with partial clouds.

The average price of oil is $58.91 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 10. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

Love is clockworks and cold steel.

Civil War in Colorado

South Park is on tonight, and I just couldn't resist posting this tidbit from the second season episode "Gnomes".

Tweek: What if my parents go out of business? Uhwhat'll I do?
Kyle: Don't worry about it.
Tweek: But we'll starve and die like dogs.
Cartman: Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: (Fuck you!)
Cartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny.

I literally laughed out loud when I heard that last exchange between Cartman and Kenny.

Outstanding Comedy

This spoof is priceless, not unlike the convenience of MasterCard which it lampoons.

El Perro Fumando

Casey: Hey, Jeremy, we're going to this place called El Perro Fumando, where, what, if you wear this thing, then something happens for two dollars less than it would've before.
Dan: Come with us.
Casey: Here's the thing: if Dana gets like half a margarita in her, there's a better than even chance she'll get up on a table and start dancing to "My Boogie Shoes."
Dana: I did it one time.
Jeremy: El Perro Fumando?
Dana: The Flaming Dog.
Casey: The Smoking Dog.
Dana: It's not the Flaming Dog?
Casey: The dog's not gay.
Dana: I wasn't suggesting the dog was gay, I was suggesting the dog was on fire.
Casey: He's not smoking on fire, he's smoking a cigarette.
Elliot: He's smoking a pipe.
Kim: He's smoking a cigar.
Dan: I say he's gay.

Memory Lane Research

Wow.

Okay, so when I was in high school, I had a thing for downloading and editing video clips. I'd put music to them that I'd recorded from CDs, splice them together, put an image series together to make a movie clip, and on and on.

One of my favorite projects involved a buddy of mine in Indiana, who Friar Dave knew in high school. His name was Louis. The edited film clip? The classic snippet from Star Wars: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." So what did I do? I recorded myself, in my best plumber/construction worker voice, saying "Help me, Louis. You're my only hope." In the final cut of the clip, I only substituted one word: the name. So, with Carrie Fisher in Italics, and me in bold...

"Help me, Louis! You're my only hope."

I sent it to Lou with the caption "An early screen test from Star Wars". I still have the clip, and if anyone really wanted to see it, I could probably be convinced to send it to them.

So, wanting to tell you all about it, I did what any good blogger would do: I went to Google's image search and typed in "Princess Leia", figuring that there would be copious images of the holographic Carrie Fisher being projected from R2-D2. Never have I been so happy to be proven wrong. Instead of finding images of Carrie Fisher as a hologram, I learned something that I would have never believed if I hadn't seen it for myself...

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Now, you'll have to excuse Porn Star Han Solo with action nose in that last picture; but the lesson here? There are actually female Star Wars nerds who are totally hot. And I figured that episode of Friends was just a big joke!

This has probably changed my entire view of the world.

UPDATE: Note to self: beautiful women in gold bikinis apparently not popular blogging material, discontinue similar posts. I read you folks loud and clear.

Fly Report: 22nd February 2006

Good morning. Having to work at 01:30 is lousy.

It's 43° Fahrenheit with clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 30° Fahrenheit with afternoon snow showers.

The average price of oil is $60.34 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 9. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

You've been living underground, eating from a can; you've been running away from what you don't understand, love.

A Wasted Shave

I shaved my trademark sideburns for that?

I've been waiting for several months now for the [Generic University] career fair. My hope, of course, was that the Central Intelligence Agency would be there again. Last year when I went up to their both, introduced myself, and handed them a resume, I totally nailed it, and they scheduled an interview with me for the next day. Given the luck I had last year without a completed degree or a year of Arabic, I was positive that I could score another interview and knock it out of the ballpark.

Well, they didn't sign up, and they didn't show up. Bollocks.

At any rate, I figured this morning that in order to make a good impression on prospective employers, it might be a good idea to temporarily trim back my Wolverinesque sideburns, which have come to be a trademark feature of my face. I had an agenda, skipping the tables manned by flunkies from such companies as State Farm, Target, Wal Mart, and Con Agra foods. On the list of visiting employers were two government agencies that I could, at least temporarily, identify with: the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the U.S. Customs and Border Protection department. I prepared targeted resumes and put them in manila envelopes and everything.

I walked up to one of the three recruiters from the FBI, introduced myself, and said that I had a resume for them; I was immediately told that they couldn't take a resume, that all applications had to go through the website. She went through her spiel, and I'm thinking, "I go to the effort to put together a resume, and you won't even humor me by taking it? What a joke! Why send a delegation to a career fair if you have no authority to actually help people in the application process!?"

The recruiter from the Border Patrol was absolutely floored that someone would come up to her, introduce themself, and say that they were interested in the Border Patrol. She had me there for a good fifteen minutes, and I was impressed enough that I think I actually will apply for the Border Patrol, though I don't really have that much desire to use it as anything more than a jumping off point, if I get hired in the first place.

I only seriously visited one other employer: a company called translations.com. I also asked the Navy recruiter, who I believe to have been a Yeoman First Class (the rank is easy, the job classification symbols are the tough part), what the minimum age for the Navy Reserve was. It used to be twenty-six, but they've apparently dropped it down to eighteen. She was friendly, but aggressive.

The highlight of the day was after I'd already spoken with the four prospective employers that I had any interest in; a gorgeous grad student who was working on a video project for her MA in education asked if she could interview me, so in addition to being interviewed by a hot grad student, I got to talk to her for a couple of minutes about job searching and post-college life.

So, I reiterate my earlier statement: I shaved my trademark sideburns for that?

Answering Reader Questions

Well, here are my answers to today's questions.

My favorite Simpsons episode is the one where Bart joins a boy band, but it's really a covert project by the Navy to recruit people with subliminal messages. It guest starred N'SYNC (Mo and April, keep your fat mouths shut), and some folks on a message board who were in time zones ahead of mine told me that I absolutely had to watch it, so I skipped out on studying for my Human Sexuality class with a buddy to watch it. I still have it on tape.

I also loved the one where Homer was Mr. Burns' jester, and they were throwing pudding in the nuclear plant cafeteria. Homer throws it at Lenny, and one of my favorite lines follows:

Lenny: Ow, my eye! The doctor said I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

Moving on to April's questions.

1) I'm more disturbed that people think that celebrities are worth paying attention to in the first place. Bennifer? Who cares! Let's pay attention to something more important, like last year's coup in Mauritania, or something else.

2) I couldn't be trusted with Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Since I'm pretty much convinced that those Oompa Loompas (particularly the ones in the remake) aren't real people, I'd be taking pot shots at them with a scoped rifle. If I had to run it, though, I'd probably hire a general manager and spend all of my time in Kirkwall.

3) I'm a historian, and I've read Ecclesiastes, so I'd say that I tend to believe more in "the more things change, the more they stay the same". People do not act significantly different than they did three thousand years ago. There is nothing new under the sun.

Tune in next week for more answers to questions posed by sneaky_pete and April, and maybe even Mo-Licious!

Reader Question Day

Today is Reader Question Day. I'll be away from the computer most of the day, but leave your questions for me, and at some point during the day I'll get on and write up responses to them. Last week we had a great question from sneaky_pete about reconciling faith and politics, a lousy question about women's hosiery, and an interesting question about my preference of Subway over Quizno's. Will you folks wow me to the point of actually wanting to keep this up? Only time will tell.

Also, just so you're ready for it, the question I'll be asking you on Friday? It's in three parts:

Are you giving anything up for Lent?

If so, what are you giving up?

Also, knowing me, what are things that I could consider giving up for Lent?

Make me proud, folks. I'll check in on you from time to time as I'm able.

Fly Report: 22nd February 2006

Good morning. I've gotta figure out something to give up for Lent.

It's 46° Fahrenheit with partial clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 25° Fahrenheit with afternoon snow showers.

The average price of oil is $60.74 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 8. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. All kill their inspiration and sing about the grief.

The New Slogan

I've been thinking for quite a while, since I don't do that much news and politics commentary anymore, that it's probably time to change the caption at the top of the page; that doesn't mean that I won't make not of interesting news stories from time to time, but for several months now I've been avoiding my former heavy news coverage.

Here are the options I've been throwing around in my head. Pick one, or provide your own option.

"I went out there, in search of experience; to taste and to touch, and to feel as much, as a man can before he repents."

"A man will rise, a man will fall, from the sheer face of love, like a Fly from a wall, and it's no secret at all."

"In the garden, I was playing the tart; I kissed your lips and broke your heart. You? You were acting like it was the end of the world."

"You wanted to get somewhere so badly, you had to lose yourself along the way. You change your name, but that's okay, it's necessary; and what you leave behind you don't miss anyway."

Any preferences? Any other suggestions? Post 'em.

A Great Disturbance in the Mojo

Remember this post from last month? Also, has anyone seen this writeup of Star Wars: Episode 3 by Maddox?

Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a great disturbance in the Mojo, and like Yoda and Mace Windu, I was completely unable to detect it until it was too late, even though it included the mojo equivalent of a massive conspiracy between two hundred storm troopers and everyone in the entire Republic. Allow me to demonstrate by correcting an incomplete entry in the online dictionary.

dis·gust ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ds-gst)
tr.v. dis·gust·ed, dis·gust·ing, dis·gusts
1. To excite nausea or loathing in; sicken.
2. To offend the taste or moral sense of; repel.

n.
Profound aversion or repugnance excited by something offensive.

Fly's addition: Finding out that a close friend who you've had romantic feelings for since you were eleven years old has moved in with a man twice her age.

So various longtime readers of Thus Saith the Fly will remember occasional mention of a friend of mine known as The Lobster. They may also remember this post, in which I mused about the possibility of cutting The Lobster out of my life. Well, she called twice in October; the first call I answered with a text message, and the second call was quickly answered and dodged. I knew that she'd eventually call back, but I was ready to dodge it.

She waited until about two weeks ago to try to call me again; once again, I let it go to voice mail, and didn't answer. I figured I'd dodged out again for the time being.

One of the restaurants near my house is one of those Mongolian grills, where you put a bunch of raw ingredients in a bowl (with me it's usually noodles, chicken, beef, and not much else) and then hand it off to the cook, who grills it up on a big grill and then hands it back to you on a plate. I was up hanging out with April and Swill on Saturday night in Metropolis, and on my way back to Hometown I heard a phone starting to ring. April had accidentally dropped her phone in my car; this compelled her to come down to pick it up, and we went to the Mongolian place for some chow since I hadn't eaten since breakfast.

We walked in the door, and a guy waved at me. I looked, and recognized it as The Lobster's stepfather. Within a few seconds, the rest of the family, including The Lobster, emerged from behind the wall... Including the weird wannabe cowboy who had been at her graduation party back in June. Creepy? You bet. We said our polite hellos, and April and I got to a table as soon as possible. As luck would have it, The Lobster's step-sister came in behind us (we'd passed The Lobster as she and her family and the weird wannabe cowboy were leaving), and I was able to ask her the million dollar question:

"Is The Lobster dating that old guy?"

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention; the weird wannabe cowboy? White hair, white mustache. He's in his mid-forties, minimum. The unfortunate answer to my question from The Lobster's step-sister?

"Yes; in fact, I think she just moved in with him."

Apparently the guy's a photographer, and I think that I heard at the graduation party that The Lobster knows him from line dancing up in Capital City. The Lobster's dad disapproves to the point that he's no longer talking to her, and her mother is apparently cool with it and treating the guy really well; the step-sister said that she thinks it's because A) the guy's got money, and B) by approving, The Lobster's mother now gets to be the "good guy" in the constant struggle between divorced parents.

And me? I'm obviously worried about my former close friend, who's now dating a man twice her age. She would have been the first to critique me if I were dating a woman twice my age, or one several years my junior; so for her to be putting herself in a situation like this is highly worrisome.

With the number of great disturbances that the Mojo has been afflicted with in the last few months, I'm beginning to worry for its very existence.

Fly Report: 20th February 2006

Good morning. There is a great disturbance in the mojo.

It's 45° Fahrenheit with partial clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 22° Fahrenheit with partial clouds.

The average price of oil is $60.28 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 7. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Fruit Salad Recipe

Father Time, when he was blogging, was quite fond of posting recipes for such things as chili, and I think there was one for homemade gunpowder or something. Anyway, in that tradition, and with repeated prodding from April, I now present you, the Fly's recipe (patent pending) for Bachelor's Fruit Salad.

Bachelor's Fruit Salad by the Fly

Ingredients:

two cans of fruit cocktail

two cans of tropical fruit salad

two cans of mandarin oranges

two cans of sliced peaches

two or three bananas

Cool Whip

Supplies:

one large bowl of some sort

one steak knife and cutting board

one large spoon of some sort

Instructions:

Open your eight cans of fruit, just enough so that fluid but not fruit can escape from the opening. In a standard kitchen sink, drain vigorously to remove as much syrup/fruit juice as possible from the cans.

Empty the contents of the cans into a large bowl of some sort.

With your steak knife, with the bananas still in the peel, make one slice down the length of the banana, and then cut into slices; keeping it attached to the peel keeps all of the slices in one spot, making it easier to dump them into the large bowl of some sort.

Dump the banana slices into the large bowl of some sort.

Using some sort of large blocking implement, possibly even a collander, drain the fluid which will have settled and collected in the large bowl of some sort by now; your fruit is juicy enough, you don't need to have a bunch of mixed fruit juice soaking into it.

With your semi-dried fruit, including bananas, use your large spoon of some sort to add a heaping spoonful (somewhere between two and sixteen ounces, I think) of Cool Whip to the large bowl of some sort. Using the same spoon of some sort, mix thoroughly.

Refrigerate until ready to serve.

And that, folks, is how you make the Fly's Bachelor Fruit Salad (patent pending). I can't believe how much I rule.

In Search of Experience

I'm headed to Metropolis to do some work on dismantling an atomic bomb. This is the last post I'll make today. More work tomorrow.

- Fly

Inexorably Linked

"It's still very difficult for me to have to rely. Your weakness, the blessing of your weakness is it forces you into friendships. The things that you lack, you look for in others, but there're times when you just become angry when you think: if only I could get to this place... Rage, there's a rage in me that I have to rely on others, actually, even though I'm very good at relying on others... But at the same time, it's uncomfortable sometimes. Think about that. Isn't that a frightening thing? You rely on your lover, you rely on your friends, and finally you have to rely on God if you want to become whole. But we don't like it. We do resent our lovers, especially the idea of relying on your friends to be whole. That means you're on your own, you're... that old Zen fucking idea. You're the one hand clapping."
- Bono, 2002

Housekeeping Issues

Couple of things.

First, in case you hadn't noticed, this week's Fly Reports had a theme. If anyone can tell me what the theme was, other than Sarah Canuck and Mo-Licious, they'll win a prize. What's the prize? Depends on who wins.

Second, I'm going to do a bit of a format change here at TSTF. Nothing drastic; what I'm going to do, since I'm not really doing news that much anymore, is probably work on changing the blurb at the top. Also, I'm going to start having theme days, probably twice a week. I enjoyed the other day, when I opened up the floor for you, the readers, to ask me questions, so I'm going to do that every Tuedsay. Every Friday, I'm going to present a topic for input or discussion: for example, the one that's up today about what you want to do before you die.

So, those are my announcements for the day. I'll post more later.

Fly Report: 17th February 2006

Good morning. Revenge is sweet, but success is sweeter.

It's 43° Fahrenheit with a chance of showers in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 2° Fahrenheit with morning snow showers.

The average price of oil is $59.23 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.73 for £1, or £0.58 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 5. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

Things to Do Before You Die

I once heard a story about a man who made a list of things he wanted to do before he died. This was when I was a freshman or sophomore in college, and ever since I've wanted to make a similar list for myself. Tonight, escaping an empty home, I went down to the coffee house (where I was eventually assaulted by open mic night) and did some reading, writing, organization, and financial work. Eventually, I decided that in order to give myself an excuse to stick around for a few minutes, I'd finally start this list of things that I want to do before I die. Here's what I've come up with so far.

Things to Do Before I Die

see Pompeii

see Libya

see U2 in concert

see Skellig Michael

save the world

revisit Orkney

revisit Wyoming

revisit Washington, DC

become a man

become a husband

become a father

write a book

get a master's degree

kill a wild boar

complete the BUD/S Warning Order

run a 10k race

So, I have two questions for you, my loyal readers.

1) Since most of the people who comment on the blog know me somewhat well through the blog posts, E-Mail, other forms of communication, or in real life, what else do you think I should have on my list?

2) What would you put on your list? What are some of the things, as few or as many as you want, that you'd like to accomplish before you die?

Also, stay tuned after the Fly Report for an announcement regarding the format of TSTF.

Reflections on Morality Part 2 of 2: Morality and Economy

This is my 2800th post.

Every decision, whether an issue of ethics and morality or not, comes with consequences. Every choice we make, be it moral/ethical or trivial, carries with it both apparent and unforeseen consequences. In fact, there are many cases in which important moral decisions become difficult because of the severe consequences carried by each available option. An excellent example of this comes from the way that human beings wield power. That's right, folks: economics. Examples can be cited on both the microeconomic and macroeconomic levels. We'll start with microeconomics, as it's a bit more tangible.

In order to understand economics, one must first understand what money is, exactly. For the most part, human beings, particularly those in developed nations, see money as inherently valuable. Allow me to paraphrase a conversation that I might have had with F3 at some point.

The Fly: "Why is that gold so valuable to you?"
F3: "Because it's shiny, you moron! *smack* And I want it!"

But why is gold valuable? Why are little bits of metal with the faces of dead men stamped on them "valuable"? What about scraps of printed paper? Well, one could say, with a moderate degree of honesty, that those bits of metal and printed scraps of paper represent real gold (kind of) in the Federal Reserve, but even this is skirting the issue because that gold has no inherent value; it has uses, but its value is completely arbitrary.

So, given that various commodities possess value through purely arbitrary reasoning, what is the real meaning of money? It's simple, and summed up into an old adage: money is power. Money represents the power to secure the ownership, use, or receipt of goods and services. The more money you have, the more capacity you have for controlling items and people. Power and responsibility are inexorably linked: a small child has a responsibility to retain a penny. The responsibility may be small, but power and responsibility increase with each other: no power requires no responsibility, while ultimate power requires ultimate responsibility.

We have a responsibility, a moral choice, about how to spend our money. When the 2004 Tsunami hit, people felt a moral responsibility to sacrifice a portion of their power so that that power could be used to rebuild the devastated areas. After Hurricane Katrina, even your eponymous six-legged superhero felt an obligation to sacrifice a part of his possessed power in order to help those whose lives were effected; though, for the record, I had them designate my money to go to Mississippi, not New Orleans (my charity is tempered by a desire to avoid rewarding personal irresponsibility). Many people do this frequently on a small scale, sacrificing the capacity to buy a movie, or to dine out on a particular evening, and giving the money saved to a charity of their choice, be it a literacy program, a women's shelter, or a fund for diabetes research; still others make the wrong choice, to spend their power on a prostitute in New Amsterdam or Las Vegas, or to buy a weapon for the purpose of harming another human being. These are examples of money, which is really power, being used for particular purposes based on the moral code of particular individuals. These choices have consequences.

Of course, these issues of microeconomics having been established and briefly discussed, the bigger picture comes to light. No one is an island, and we have become habitual traders of power on a much larger scale. Humans form groups, groups form communities, communities form governments, and eventually nations emerge; and nations must establish economic systems in order to retain some control not only over power, but over the orderly exchange of power. Governments, based on the will of either the people or powerful individuals, establish these systems based on various priorities and values.

As much as we'd like to believe that perfect choices exist, the obvious truth is that every choice, including the expenditure of monetary power, requires a sacrifice. In this case, power is like energy, of which there are two kinds: potential energy and kinetic energy. A hundred dollar bill is potential power: it has the potential to be used for avrious things, and when you make a choice as to what it's going to be used for, you are making a value judgment: "I conclude that it is the right choice to expend power on this option." Each transaction that is carried out is a transaction of sacrifice: to gain requires that we sacrifice the power to make a different gain. Our economic systems exist in the same way, and I will discuss two: communism and capitalism.

Communism is a system designed by Karl Marx. It involves collective (commune) ownership of all commodities, property, et cetera. It stresses economic fairness and equality, and controlled, orderly economic operations. The drawbacks and sacrifices in this system are personal freedom and opportunity: in order to enforce fairness, the lives of the people must be monitored closely, and their choices must be limited. Opportunities to excel and exceed normal acquisiton must be stifled; opportunities to expand markets and innovate are nearly non-existent. In order to implement this version of a fair and equitable system, the government must exercise ultimate control over people and markets; personal freedoms and opportunities are sacrificed accordingly; in addition, history has shown that a communist system encourages corruption.

Capitalism is a system designed by Adam Smith. It involves minimal government control over markets, emphasizing personal responsibility, freedom, opportunity and innovation. The sacrifice required under a capitalist system is personal security: in order for capitalism to work, people must be allowed to succeed or fail on their own merits. Generally speaking, a worker who is willing to put in a full day's work, even at an unskilled job, is able to survive and, in many cases, flourish. Those with talents, ideas, or strong work ethics are more likely to succeed. However, under a strict capitalist system no safety net exists, and this can lead to systems of social Darwinism. In order for people to have personal freedoms and the opportunity for amazing success, they must run the risk of complete and total failure. This can be construed as unfair, and with some merit.

So, which system is preferable? That all depends upon the will of the people; or at least, it should. The point, though, is that even this is a moral choice, and an imperfect one. Both communism and capitalism have their potential benefits and their drawbacks. Just as any transaction involves a sacrifice, any economic system involves sacrifices.

Thus, we see that economic decisions are moral decisions, just like most of the other decisions we make; the smallest decision, getting a cup of tea from the local coffee house, involves making a value judgment regarding how best to wield power. The choice of an economic system is no different, save for the scope of the sacrifices and gains.

Fly Report: 16th February 2006

Good morning. Love me baby 'cause I'm gen-u-ine.

It's 43° Fahrenheit with clouds and wind in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 12° Fahrenheit with snow showers.

The average price of oil is $57.71 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 4. The Fly is currently reading Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas.

I HAVE NO MONEY I HAVE NO POWER/ THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK

Close Gitmo? Probably Not

A United Nations panel thinks that the U.S. should close the detention center at Gitmo. They say that the U.S. should put the detainees on trial, or release them. The Fly says that the U.N. should stop being a corrupt, inept, ineffective organization controlled by tyrants, dictators, and spineless bureaucrats who serve as impediments to the enforcement of international law; or it should shut up and let the United States take care of business.

Reflections on Morality Part 1 of 2: Morality and Law

This will be the first of two posts on morality and society.

It seems to me that many people have it wrong when they make various statements about morality. For the purpose of this discussion, I am going to use abortion as my example. One of the most common slogans that I've seen by the pro-abortion campaigners is "You Can't Legislate Morality" or "Keep Your Laws Off My Body", which basically amount to roughly the same thing. The implication is that the moral values of one group can't be imposed on another group that rejects those moral values. Whether it's pro-abortion groups or any other group that opposes so-called "morality legislation", their argument is commonly that it is both unfair and impractical to impose the moral will of one group on another group that is dead set on opposing it.

Now, I think it's totally cliche to bring out a dictionary definition and use in a debate or discussion, but that's what I'm going to do right now. Morality:

1. The quality of being in accord with standards of right or good conduct.
2. A system of ideas of right and wrong conduct: religious morality; Christian morality.
3. Virtuous conduct.
4. A rule or lesson in moral conduct.

The point that I want you folks to take away from the definitions is that morality is, at its core, a choice of one course of action over another on the basis of quality. In other words, if I have the choice between one course of action and another, then the moral choice is the better of the two. There are, of course, some choices that aren't moral choices, as illustrated in this following exchange from The Simpsons...

Krusty flashes back to his youth.

Man 1: Should I finish college?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
Woman: [babe in arms] Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Man 2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question?
Man 2: Um... Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Oh, yes! [chuckles] For great is the car with power steering and dynaflow suspension!

Of course, if he's reading this, Shiitake might point out that some automobile purchasing choices include ethical or moral decisions; for example, if one's moral code includes an extreme dedication to strict environmental preservation, a moral or ethical issue would be which is better, to buy a Hummer or a Prius. However, this is a tangental issue; the point is that while many of the decisions we make in our personal lives are not decisions of great moral consequence, many are; and many of the decisions we make as a society or nation are of great moral consequence.

Whether it's the issue of euthenasia, abortion, legalization of cannabis, or any number of other issues, many rally around the claim that you can't legislate morality. Personally, I think this argument is a farce, and using it degenerates the dialogue we should be having. Why do I say this?

Take the chosen issue of abortion. For the record, I am against abortion, though I believe that exceptions should be made for cases of rape and incest; even then, I think that bringing the child to term and giving it up for adoption is a better alternative, but in cases of rape and incest I don't have a strong objection to leaving room in the law for abortion. That having been established, when pro-abortion activists make imperative statements like "Keep your morals off my body!" or "You can't legislate morality!", the base of their claims is a mistaken belief that the beliefs of the majority as to what is the best choice should not be binding to those who disagree. On the surface, it's not an unreasonable statement; for example, our Declaration of Independence states:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

One of the unalienable human rights affirmed in the Bill of Rights is the right to freedom of religion; and in fact, this has been used frequently throughout our nation's history to defend members of religious minorities. Unlike Communist and Islamic nations, which have an overwhelming tendency to deny the rights of the minority in such matters as religion and speech, Western culture affirms the rights of both minority and majority parties, insofar as the exercise of those freedoms does not infringe upon the rights, freedoms, and safety of others. Frankly stated: in at least some cases, the will of the majority should not be imposed on a dissenting minority.

The problem with the statement "you can't legislate morality", though, is this: all legislation is morality. All legislation is a legal statement that one course of action is preferable to another. Well, that should be qualified; not all legislation is moral legislation. For example, there's legislation (or at least, ordinances; some of it's legislation) regarding the posted speed limit in various areas; if this is legalized morality, it's "morality" that's very loosely, arbitrarily, and subjectively defined; or morality that exists in shades of grey. There are laws about property zoning that aren't specifically morality. However, most law is a choice of one policy or another in an attempt to make the nation/world a better place. We have, for example, laws that provide for national defense, because our nation's majority moral belief is that it is a superior situation for our citizens to be safe than it is for them to be unprotected. We have laws against murder, because a near-universal belief exists that murder is inherently evil and immoral; in fact, we even have laws regarding homicide, negligent homicide, and manslaughter, because our collective morality states that life is so precious, that extra care should be taken to avoid ending it accidentally. These are legislations of morality.

In fact, our very system of government, whether strict democracy in the Athenian sense or representative democracy in the Roman sense, is arranged and established in such a way that the morals, or values regarding the best courses of action for given situations, are decided based upon the opinions, beliefs, and values of the majority of the population. Sometimes referred to as the "tyranny of the majority", the very purpose of our form of government is to enforce the collective will of as many citizens as possible. For this reason, in theory at least, we elect those representative leaders who best fit our own mindset, and based upon their views and their stated objectives, they vote accordingly. Thus, our entire system of government is based on the supposition that yes, you can and should legislate morality.

Of course, every decision, whether an issue of ethics and morality or not, comes with consequences; for example, the decision of successive Roman emperors to take an indecisive position on the enforcement of the Empire's borders eventually led to economic, cultural, and political death at the hands of German barbarians. To offer a non-moral example, if one chooses not to brush their teeth on a particular day, they risk lousy breath that could offend those they come into contact with. Basically, every choice we make, be it moral/ethical or trivial, carries with it both apparent and unforeseen consequences. In fact, there are many cases in which important moral decisions become difficult because of the severe consequences carried by each available option, and I will discuss this in my concluding post.

Fly Report: 15th February 2006

Good morning. I have been a proud member of the Hootie and the Blowfish Official Fan Club since 1996.

It's 43° Fahrenheit with partial clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 18° Fahrenheit with snow showers.

The average price of oil is $59.08 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.73 for £1, or £0.58 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 3. The Fly is currently reading The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.

SEE/ I DON'T WANT TO/ HEAR/ I DON'T WANT TO/ HEAR/ SEE/ HEAR/ I DON'T WANT TO/ KNOW

Slow Downward Spiral

Well, I survived today, applied for three jobs in the Dallas/Plano area (hey Shiitake!), and made $51 before taxes. That's all probably good. I'll apply for more tomorrow, I think. I have a couple of things to write about tomorrow, but they may get pushed back to Thursday as I plan to spend most of the day tomorrow in College City, and hope to spend at least part of my evening at work applying for more jobs.

I think there was a second thing I was going to talk or whine about, but I can't remember what it was.

The third thing that I was going to go off on was this nonsense with Vice President Cheney. It sounds like it's pretty much not his fault that he accidentally shot this guy, the guy was standing with the sun right behind him, didn't announce himself, et cetera. The guy's going to be fine, they've got him under constant observation at the hospital, he's probably in rough shape for a couple of weeks and then he's out bird hunting. It happens. Of course, the media and the anti-gun people just can't let it go. Very frustrating if you ask me.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully I can sleep through tonight. Thanks for the participants in the reader question posts today, that was pretty cool.

An Incendiary Post...

... directed at Jacob Copper (and tangentally at Mo-Licious).

Jacob, I've got the utmost respect for your Pope; I think he's a great guy, extremely intelligent and eloquent, well suited to his post, and a true champion for the truths that bind us all together as Christians, members of the true Catholic church, meaning the universal body of Christ...

... But you have to admit, your Pope is nowhere near as badass as my Pope.

This and other elements of drosophilic chicanery have been brought to you by The Fly.

Reader Questions Answered

In response to the topics offered, I'm going to respond with this post. More topics can be left on the last post, and if they are then I'll expand this one.

1. Pantyhose - a. Full leg, thigh high, or knee high?

I've never worn them in my life, so I have absolutely no clue how to answer this.

2. Watermelon - a. With or without seeds?

I honestly don't care. I usually eat the seeds with the melon, so I probably prefer seeded to unseeded.

3. The single most enlightening experience of your life
a. Was it watchning me drink a beer in my kitchen? I think yes. Prove me wrong.
b. How about watching me put away an entire sea of crab legs?

The single most enlightening period in my life? Hmmm. I remember during my sophomore year of college, sitting in my car across from the Naval Armory, a few weeks before I got out of the Navy, listening to Achtung Baby and really appreciating it for the first time, and realizing how much hidden meaning there is in life, music, text, media, et cetera. The crab legs would be a close second, though.

4. Your best feature - a. And not your brain. Everyone already knows how in love you are with your brain.

I've been told that I have really nice hands. I personally think that my face is pretty ugly, and I'm not that satisfied with the shape of my body, so aside from my brain I'm not sure what else to say.

5. Family Guy - a. Why must you hate it so? Embrace the Family Guy. Loooove the Family Guy. Why you gotta be hatin'?

I tend to go for more sophisticated comedy. I like South Park not for its toilet humor, but for it's pithy political and social commentary. I like The Simpsons because there are references in that show that only a highly educated person will even notice. The Family Guy isn't like that so much; it's a lot of very surface humor, and for some reason I just can't get into it.

How about liberal Christians? I've dealt with many "Jesus was a liberal" kind of people, and I get tired of reiterating all of the reasons I'm a conservative. What reasons do you give? How do you reconcile your politics with your faith, or do you keep the issues separate?

At the risk of alienating Jerry Falwell and his legions of faithful fans, I don't think that Jesus was necessarily a conservative or a liberal. I think that he tended toward both sides of the spectrum. The definition of "liberal" is someone who wants to change things, and Jesus' mission was to change the world and break the status quo apart. At the same time, the way that he emphasized doing it had two elements: restoration of orthodoxy and the spirit of the Law, and implementation of new ideas and doctrines that expanded the existing Jewish institutions. The former was conservative, the latter was liberal.

I'm a conservative because I believe that, beyond the basic moral ideals that Jesus laid down, most conservative positions make most practical sense to me. Jesus emphasized personal responsibility, for example, so for that and the economic reasons that conservatives will mention, I have a hard time with social programs that eliminate requirements for personal responsibility for one's own economic safety. That's just one example. The basic point, though, is that I feel that the Bible stresses personal responsibility for oneself and one's neighbors, and being that modern liberalism has a tendency to seek a government solution to most of the world's problems, I take some degree of issue with that.

Also, I think that the job of providing social welfare programs, be they "socialized" health care, food programs, support for widows, orphans, et cetera, should rest with the church, not the federal government. The first hospitals in the world weren't sponsored by the Roman Empire, they were operated by churches. No matter what a person's sins are (we are all sinners who have fallen short of the grace of God, we all deserve to be stoned to death and stabbed with pitchforks by Screwtape, Wormwood, and the Fly), we as Christians are called to care for those who cannot care for themselves, defend the defenseless, and seek justice. If a Muslim woman is being beaten by her husband, if an Iraqi tyrant and his sons are raping and murdering whomever they like, if an Afghan woman is forced to sleep on a cold floor without a blanket in the dead of winter in the Himalayan foothills because the Taliban won't allow her the education or the employment that would help her bring herself and her family out of poverty, we as Christians are called to sacrifice our own blood and treasure in their defense. This is not a liberal value, this is not a conservative value; this is a human value.

When it comes down to the thick and thin of it, I think that most people have very similar goals; they merely have different visions of how the final product of those goals will look, and they have different visions of what the best way to accomplish that goal is.

I'm glad you brought that up, Pete, because it reminds me of another topic I was thinking of the other day.

But...because it is on my mind, what about Quizno's v. Subway?

Quizno's was the first to toast their subs. I prefer the taste and texture of their bread to Subway. I prefer a lot of their sandwich choices (Chicken Carbonara, for example, of Turkey Bacon Guacamole). Their soups are better than Subway's soups, and I just feel like the atmosphere in a Quizno's is a little classier than the atmosphere in Subway, though Subway is better than a McDonalds or a Burger King or something. I feel like Quizno's is, overall, a step above Subway, so that's why I tend to enjoy Quizno's more than Subway.

I'm Getting Verklempt

Remember this recurring sketch? Well, whether you do or not, Mike Myers played Linda Richman, a Jewish woman living in New York, and once or twice a sketch he'd give this line:

Now I'm verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement. Discuss!

It wasn't always the Italian Neo Realist Movement; it might be something like "art deco is neither art nor deco" or something to that effect.

It has been pointed out to me by Mo-Licious that:

Cause seriously, the lyric posts are starting to get a little scary. I'm all for writing how you feel, but don't hide behind lyrics.

So, here's your assignment: give me a topic. I literally have nothing to talk about. Do you have a topic you want The Fly to write on? Do you want my opinion on something? Do you want to hear my take on something? Need advice? Give me a topic, and if it's not complete and total crap, I will write on it.

Oh, and hear me now and believe me later: if any of you wankers suggests anything relating to tacos, Chipotle, burritos, or anything else relating to Mexican food, I will track you down and smite you with extreme prejudice. When they find you, the aftermath will make Bane look like a kindergartener throwing sand and spitting in little girls' hair.

Right then. Topics?

The Meaning Changes

Is it getting better, or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame? You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night. One love, we get to share it; it leaves you darling if you don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you, leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love, and you want me to go without. Is it too late tonight to drag the past out into the light? We're one but we're not the same; we get to carry each other, carry each other, one...

Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your bed? Did I ask too much, more than a lot? You gave me nothing, now it's all I've got. We're one, but we're not the same, yeah we hurt each other, then we do it again.

You say love is a temple, love a higher law; love is a temple, love a higher law. You ask me to enter, then you make me crawl; I can't be holding on to what you got when all you got is hurt.

One love, one blood, one life, you get to do what you should. One life with each other, my sister, my brother. One life but we're not the same, we get to carry each other, carry each other, one love.
- Pontifex Maximus, "One"

Fly Report: 14th February 2006

Good morning. Monty Python had it right when they wrote that song, "Never be rude to an Arab."

It's 45° Fahrenheit with partial clouds in Kirkwall. In Cody, the forecast calls for a high of 26° Fahrenheit with snow showers.

The average price of oil is $59.80 per barrel. The exchange rate is $1.74 for £1, or £0.57 for $1.

Today's Astronomy Picture of the Day is: (Cool)/(Lame)

Today's scripture reading is Nehemiah 2. The Fly is currently reading The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.

The secret is BEHIND YOU/ The secret is INVISIBLE NOW/ The secret is LOUD ENOUGH/ THE SECRET IS WHAT YOU never want to see/ never want to hear/ never want to believe

Fixation

"Aye, aye! and I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up."